something came in the mail for you today.
and all of a sudden, i was reminded of you. all over again, like the roof falling down upon me. but not all of a sudden. no, the roof didn’t come crashing down. it closed in on me, inch by inch. i could see it coming down and i couldn’t do a thing to save myself, or to save you. and i watched as it crushed everything one by one- the bookshelf, the couch, the cute little souvenirs kept on the wooden frame mounted up against the wall. it slid down, as if it were a slippery roadside covered in moss and algae just after the rain. it came down upon my shoulders, like a weight i couldn’t carry. i felt like atlas. i could feel the oxygen in the air getting scarce. i struggled for breath as i tried to find a way out, but you were already lying unconscious on the floor. and there, i started reliving those moments over and over and over again. the moment amma woke me up in the morning with a tear-stained face, telling me you were in the hospital. the moment we were on the plane and amma got up to go to the washroom and came back, sniffing and blowing her nose into a tissue. the moment we landed, and instead of taking a cab to the hospital, we took a cab to ajja and bappamma’s house. the moment i asked her “aanu is still alive, isn’t he?” and she told me “just get in the cab”. i remember every second of that awful day. i remember crying for all of the two hours in the cab. i remember crying and not caring what anybody that might see me thought. i remember preparing myself to see you, swearing to myself that i wouldn’t cry in front of all those people. but what i remember most vividly, the most heartbreaking moment of all- when i finally walked into the apartment. people were everywhere- ones i knew, ones i didn’t know, ones that had known me since i was a child and others whose names i couldn’t even remember. but all of these people knew you. they knew you as a little boy and as a fresh-faced college going young man. some knew you as the talented boy from the school band, others knew you as the hard-working and dedicated man that you were. and they were all here for you. but none of this broke me as much as seeing you there- lying on the floor, clad in all white. you looked almost peaceful- i could’ve thought you were asleep. but you weren’t snoring the way you usually did. and for the first time, i wished you were snoring that loud, sleep-disrupting snore of yours. i thought of all the times i got up and slept in the other room because of your snoring, and then in that moment, i would’ve given up everything in this world to hear you snore once again. you weren’t wearing your glasses. you looked so incomplete without them. you were always so alive aanu, always there. whether you were angry, sad, happy, sleeping, a whole state away from me- you were there. no matter all that. but suddenly, you weren’t. you were just… gone. gone in a flash like those beautiful clouds in the sky that remain in that beautiful pattern for just a second, and by the time you can get to your phone to take a picture, it’s gone. and the sky will never be the same again. my sky will never be the same again.
i never thought of losing you so early. the thought never crossed my mind. i always figured we’d have a lot of time to spend together. to do all the father-daughter activities we always dreamed of. painting my room, redoing the house. getting a dog, cooking together on sundays. movie nights and you introducing me to new bands. you getting to watch as i got 92% in my boards, and moved here to bangalore like you always wanted me to. and go to this college, just like you’d always dreamed for me. and it’s all gone. it’s all gone now.
a lot of what i am today- a lot of who i am, is all because of you. every morning, i wake up, even when i don’t want to. because, remember that one day, when you woke up at 4 am and tried to wake me up at 6? and i drove you away, and again when you tried to wake me up at 8. every morning, i think “i could’ve spent more time with him if only i’d woken up. if only i had opened my eyes and looked at his face while i still could. spoke to him while he was still breathing. hugged him and told him that i love him.” every morning, i wake up, because you didn’t.
and now, here i am. you’re gone, and my whole world is just… hanging somewhere in the middle. the burden is too much for my shoulders without you here, and i can barely breathe.
i am here and you are not, and it’s all just too much for me.
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